Sorry, it's been a while...

Well, I'm finally updating this thing. It's been like a month, I know I'm sorry, I'm lazy. It is what it is. This month has seen a heck of a lot of stuff. I don't even know where to begin honestly. I had a terrible week alone struggling through a lot of things. I didn't have my car so for my week of vacation I couldn't hardly do anything, which I mean that's not that big a deal I guess #whitepeopleproblems. But it did leave me alone a lot which depressed the shit out of me. I'm realizing more and more that the person I can't stand most in this world is actually, me. Left alone, I had to face all my demons and since I didn't cry out to the Father like I should have, I was left alone, wanting. I fell back into old habits and has now made me have to get rid of some more social media as a result. I feel like I can't enjoy anything because I'll just abuse it and lose it.

On the flip side of this, (this is totally random, but not) I need to go on a rant and say LADIES: IF YOU PUT PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITHOUT A LOT OF CLOTHES ON ON INSTAGRAM, TWITTER OR ANY OTHER FORM OF SOCIAL NETWORKING, DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN MEN VIEW YOU AS OBJECTS. YOU ARE DOING IT TO YOURSELF. At the same time I guess, having self-respect or self-worth is just as hard for me, so please know that I understand where you are coming from. It hurts me to see girls who so desperately want to be loved that they will just show parts of them to anyone to get attention. But in my own way I do the same thing, and that is why I hate myself. So please know, girls, that most guys are going through the same crap you are, they just don't want to admit it (or express it in different ways). If you put yourself out there like that, all you'll get are guys who aren't looking for love, they are looking to fill the same void you are looking to fill by taking off your clothes.

We are all looking for something. That something is Jesus. Lots of us look for self worth or self respect or whatever we are looking for in any other thing but that. A lot of times people look for it in the affections of others. Some people look for it in power. Some people look for it in the comforts of money. It's all the same God-sized void for everyone. It pains me to say all of this because I can't even say yet that that void is being filled by what I want it to be filled by. But I just wanted to say be careful. Read some Scripture. Read "The Imitation of Christ" Thomas a Kempis. Pray. "Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and the rest will be added to you"

DAY ?: Oops

So it's been a week since I updated this. It is half due to my busy schedule with school and half due to sheer laziness. I also didn't really know what to talk about. It's been a weird past few days. Today we started to talk about the Old Testament and I am super excited. I am learning so much I never knew and it will definitely change the way I read the OT.

Personally, I've been going through a lot of changes. Today has been the first day here where I didn't want to go home. I am trying to balance to old life and my new one. It's not a fun transition. I am also disheartened that no one from my old church has even tried to call or contact me whatsoever. I know I don't have facebook, but it still kind of hurts. I miss them a lot and would love to share the things I'm learning with them. They've held me up through so much in the past two years; who's to say they can't help hold me while I'm here. I need them still, if not more.

On a brighter note, I'm loving the family I'm staying with. They have been nothing but great to me. They have fed me so much, it's been great. Their kids are a blast and I love them. I am started to branch out and really make some "other than dudes in my class" friends in the church, which I'm excited about. I'm trying to move forward. Despite my bitter feelings towards moving, I am trying to put my feelings aside and just deal in the now. The "now" is really all I have. I know nothing of the future at this point. I know things I'd liked to do, but not what I am going to do. It's so scary. Just typing it out is getting me completely stressed out. But I'm praying for God to open the doors that need to be opened. And more importantly close the doors that need to be closed.

Also, the other guys are dealing with money issues and I don't have a lot of those. I have most of the money for the missions trip and I have school completely paid for. I just need gas money and whatnot. They don't even know how they will pay for school. I would encourage to pray for them. Their names are Josh, Gabe, and Kansas. If you give me money in my paypal, it will not only go to my living expenses, but it will also go to help out my brothers. I love them and God wants to go great things for/with them.

thanks for reading, hopefully I'll update this more.

DAY 5 & 6

Week one of twelve is over. I feel like I've learned more knowledge about my faith than I every have before. I am trying my hardest to get everything I can. It's outrageous how much the devil wants to get ahold of me. The most I try to pay attention, the more distracting my thoughts become. The more I try to read, the more Netflix I want to watch. The more I try to stay away from girls, a girl from my past will try to text me. I've been winning some battles and losing others. 

I'm almost done the first book. I'm very happy to be finished with it. I want to move onto the next book, because that one from what my roommate, Josh has been telling me, it's deep and very insightful. This book I'm reading is good, but it kind of feels like it is beating a dead horse. It will tell you what you need to know in the first couple pages of the chapter and then just beat the point home for the rest. It's alright, very insightful look into the Gospel, and an easy read, but a tiring one.

I really am looking forward to getting some time with my mentor, Joe Burgers. He is awesome and I really want to start to hash out some of the issues I have with him. He's super understanding and patient, which is what I need right now. I talked to Kansas today about my tour pastor idea. He didn't seem against it. It was sort of a "we'll see, but I hope for the best" type of answer at the end, which I figured is about the best I'm going to get at this point. And that is fine with me; I know I have some issues to deal with, and that is why I'm here. 

Continued prayer is needed. Thanks for the donations.

DAY 4: Tha Carter IV

I'm giving the new Lil Wayne album, Tha Carter IV, a try. So far it's alright. It's what I would expect out of a Wayne release (some good, some bad, some awful, but slightly enjoyable nonetheless). Also, Netflix is down so the houses addiction to Prison Break is not being met, which is not going over well with the roommates or I.

We had our first home group tonight at Bryon & Christina's house. It was pretty rad. I really enjoyed hearing Byron open up a little bit. He really showed what was on his heart in terms of ministry. Honestly, the biggest way God has been talking to me is through other people's honesty. All the things I've thought I didn't like about my spiritual gifts I'm starting to realize are good things. I talked earlier about Ryan Adam's admission of not being very into evangelizing, which spoke to me. Byron, tonight, talked about how he was kind of a jack of all trades type of person. He was good at a lot of things, but not great at any one thing. But instead of getting down on himself for not having a big great talent, he encourages others to go after what they are passionate about. He is the backbone type of person. I think that is more what I am called to do.

I always wanted to be in a band. I wanted nothing more than to be a touring band. I still have a huge desire to tour at some point, but I've sort of lost my ambition to actually be in a band. If I was I wouldn't say no, but if I'm not, I won't go crazy or anything. But I do love to encourage my friends who are in bands. I see someone like my mentor at ASM, Joe Burgers, and I think that that is something I'd rather get into. Joe tour pastors bands. He goes on the road with Christian bands both selling merch, but also being the behind the scenes guy to make sure that they are doing what God called them to do. I would love to do something like that. I am an encourager. I've always been good with words and I love the idea of traveling listening or being a part of music somehow. This seems like something that would be a perfect fit for me. I also don't see it as a coincidence that Joe just so happens to be my mentor. I was so excited when I found out he was my mentor; he's one of the most legit dudes I've met in a while and I feel like I have a lot to learn from his wisdom.

Also, reading has been going by so far. Granted the book I'm reading is definitely an easy read, but still. I've never just plowed through a book like I have with this one. I might have it done in one week! I've never done that before ever. I feel so accomplished. I hope I can keep it up.

Prayer: please pray for me and just not getting distracted. I get so distracted in class with my own thoughts. I have a hard time taking notes as a result. Money is still an issue, any prayer or donations are still welcome! Also, if you could lift up my friend Braelynn's niece, Averi. This baby was born with heroine addiction and really needs prayer for healing! OUR GOD CAN DO IT! It's so crazy, I actually believe that statement now. Things are looking up.

DAY 3: Prison Break

So the guys and I not only have started on a spiritual journey together, we have begun another journey as well. That journey is the show Prison Break. It was brought on by Kansas and I am officially addicted. It has become our reward for all the homework we get done. Today, I read five chapters in my book! If you don't know anything about me, I hate reading. So that was huge. This book is blowing my mind. The Gospel is something that is glorious and beautiful and it feels like I'm really experiencing it for the first time.

This new found love for reading and God has quelled my anxiousness for the most part. Today, in class, we studied liturgical prayer and I loved it. I can't wait to study Christian icons and liturgy. There is so much history behind what I believe and I want to know as much as I can. My struggles continue to try to rear their head though. The devil is trying his best to hit me as hard has he possibly can. Prayer is welcome!

There were definitely a couple ways in which God got victory today. 1) I went to the Apple store to see how much it would be to fix my iPhone and they fixed the back completely for free! It was such a financial blessing. 2) For the first time, God used me to bring healing to someone. It was a simple act of faith that paid off! Josh (my best friend and roommate) was complaining of leg pain all day (most likely from skateboarding last night), and I got the guys together to lay hands on it and prayed for it to be healed. He stood up to walk and immediately felt no more pain! It was an incredible experience. I hope God uses me for that more often. He is doing a great work in the dudes around me. I can't wait to see how else he manifests in my life and the life of these dudes.

Prayer and Donations welcome. Thank you for reading.

DAY 2

Today has been a weird day. Still slightly feeling anxiety about my situation has led me into a lot of the older struggles that I wish would just leave (but at the same time, I love). Today was the first day of class. We went over the syllabus and just talked for a little while. After that the class went to get Thai food. That was one of the highlights of the day.

Ryan Adams, the director of the school, said something today that really spoke to me in terms of my spiritual identity. He said that he was not an evangelistic type of person. He takes a while to warm up to people and he can't just go up to people and strike up conversation. He had come to terms that that was not something God had gifted him with. That is something that God has not gifted me with (or at least I don't think so). I have never been a person to go up to people and start talking to them about Jesus. I want to build relationship and get to know someone first before I dive into deeper topics. I felt encouraged that God does in fact make people differently and that we all evangelize in our own way. While Ryan might not be the missionary type, he is evangelizing to me by even admitting that type of thing to me.

Other than that, I read the first chapter in the first book, The Gospel For Real Life by Jerry Bridges. It is all about how most Christians don't truly understand the Gospel, or at least the magnitude of it. This is basically the reason that I am at ministry school in the first place. I know that Jesus saved me, but this love that I have for God could be stronger if I was able to truly grasp the magnitude of what the Gospel really means. I sped through the first chapter, which is weird for me (I hate reading, love writing though...weird juxtaposition [sidebar: that's my fancy word I use to make myself sound smarter. Also, the first year or so of knowing that word, I almost always messed it up while trying to say it] I've always had), so I'm hoping the rest of the book follows suit.

So to conclude, I'm still anxious. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen to me. I fucking hate it actually. But God is testing my comforts and limits for the first time really. I had a great talk with Sam, Kansas, and the Batsons (the couple I am living with) over cigars about life and spirituality. I feel like Grant (the husband in the aforementioned couple) is going to be a great help and insight into what I am going through during this journey. He is really jaded by the church, but also very knowledgeable of things of the Spirit and how it practically applies to life. This helped to ease my concerns just a little; I'm just hoping these life long struggles won't mess up the rest of what God is trying to do here.

DAY 1

I have been pretty stressed over the first couple days of being in Nashville. There was some miscommunication with the person I'm going to be staying with, so we aren't able to move in until later tonight. I have been staying on the director, Ryan Adams' couch for the past two days, which isn't anything bad, but it has just made me anxious to get things started. I want to have a place to stay and put my stuff and prepare for the coming weeks.

I also am eagerly (albeit nervously) awaiting school to actually begin. I know nothing of what is actually going to happen at this school, expect from what people tell me who have done it. I know the basics of what will happen, but I have no idea how it will play out spiritually or emotionally in my life. This has made me more and more nervous with every passing moment that I sit and do nothing but wait for school to begin.

Apparently, there are six guys in the class. This seems very God ordained to me given my struggle with the ladies that has plagued me and is probably the biggest reason I have chosen to attend this school. So far everyone is pretty fun, but different in their own way. Kansas is the oldest of the bunch and doesn't talk a whole lot. He used to tour with tons of bands as a manager/merch guy/general road dog. I have bonded with him the most so far. I like learning from his vast knowledge of the music industry but also the spiritual lessons he's learned along the way.

Right now, I'm just sitting on a couch waiting for the night service at Anchor to begin. I most likely will be a sobbing mess by the end of it. The first service in the morning is more of a typical "music/sermon/music"type of deal, while the night service is just completely Spirit led. It has a sermon, but most of the time, it's short and the congregation just lets the Spirit take over the service as the band plays.

I'm going to miss Zane a lot, as he has become a mentor of sorts in my spiritual walk. He is my tattoo artist and how I found out about the school, when he went last semester. He has been here for the past few days just hanging out and tattooing people. I am going to be assigned a spiritual mentor probably tomorrow, which I am very excited about. I have always had someone to look up to spiritually before, but never someone who was older in the faith to be able to confide in. That is one of the biggest aspects of the school that I am looking forward too and I think will help me throughout the next three months.

If anyone reads this, I thank you for your support with prayer. I need a crap ton of it. If you want prayer or want to get ahold of me, just follow me on twitter @alexmacwilliam. I don't have facebook, which I guess is like the new "I don't have a Television", but I don't have it for more serious reasons than wanting to be apart of some type of intellectually elite club. Also, I am trying to go on a missions trip to Peru, and that is going to cost some cash, so if you would like to donate, the button for my Paypal is on the right. Thank you for reading and supporting. God is going to move. The winds of change are picking up.

Hello. Old Friend.

I am on my way to Nashville. I am going to the Anchor School of Ministry. This is my blog to talk about the lessons, truths, and everything else that I learn while there. I am in need of money to be able to live while attending this school, if you feel like donating there is a link to my paypal. I am in search of Christ. I am spending the next three months dedicated all of my time in pursuit of Him. Thank you for reading, loving, donating, praying to/for me. Be Blessed.